Not that it’s officially missing, I’m sure I left it at my mom’s house on Sunday. I sure do miss my camera, I think even a little more than I missed my sunglasses that I had left in my mom’s car, and not having those causes physical discomfort.

  Buddy Joel forced me to let him help me move stuff out of my apartment. I’ve got most things out of it.  Made a crazy toy where you drop an airsoft bb in a hole at the top of a block of wood and it goes through a maze of thirteen channels drilled in it until it flies out a side hole or makes it all the way to the hole on the bottom. Then I turned it into a black sinister game with coffins and such. It’s really crazy. If I had a camera, I would take a picture of it, damnit.

   Surely a part of the reason i got involved with Tabitha was to better appreciate not being in a relationship.  My mind is going through a major reset mode. Several times last night my mind began to slip into scheduled freak out mode, but I was able to stop and say, ” Hey, wait, there’s absolutely nothing to freak out about. Everything is absolutely fine.”.  And I’d look around and see that everything was absolutely fine.  So, what was I trying to freak out about?  I think it was trying to feel guilty for not running home to someone so they don’t feel rejected.  Arrggg. 

   I sever the strings and hide away. Again. But it seems to be better this time.

   I find me a swing and I swing away. My friend, I’m glad I don’t know the time.

  Ringing the bell on my handlebar with my feet out rubbing the grass.

    Lightning shows my shadow in front of me so I know it’s seeing my ass.

   As I ride away from it’s poisonous spray, it thrashes in terrible scorn.

   It’s plight I know well. To defeat it’s own hell, it must move from tormented to torn.

   She said it was a red flag when she noticed I had kept my former roommate’s name tag from her workplace.

   It was a red flag for me when she told me she wasn’t interested in being my friend. She was implying she wanted to be more than friends, but who says things like that?   ” I’m not interested in being your friend.”.  There’s no way to make that statement sound good.

   I told her she seems angry and she should get some counseling.  She said she’s not angry, she had a great day.

   I told her there is a difference between being upset and having deep seeded anger issues.

   Then she came home with a story of getting in a fight with her husband and punching him and throwing her daughter around and threatening a female friend of her husbands and almost going to jail.  She’s so angry she could just implode in on herself.  

   Sometimes people just need to go out into the middle of a field alone and burst into flames.  There is no way to help them or make it easier.  Usually trying to help only delays what needs to be done.   If they don’t survive the trials, we can’t hold ourselves to blame.  

    Regardless of where I am on my journey,

    I sometimes feel like I play some roles well.

    A bridge helping, some people cross over something they couldn’t see.

    A mirror holder.  A guide.  A catalyst.   A punisher.   A spark.   A raven.

    I like it.

    Now I believe the best monument to our lives is the one we build in the hearts of others, and that is done with presence or contact. Time spent. Light hitting their eyes that just now bounced off you.  Being there. In the same room with them.   And when that isn’t possible, a text message is better than nothing.